rosegardenfae (rosegardenfae) wrote,

Moving On

And so last night was Erin and Anah's last night to be us before they move to their new home today.  Yesterday was difficult, I know I made it that way.  There has been so much change .... where did it start.. of course there was no beginning, it started with birth on this go round and will keep on changing for eternity... but why does it hurt me.. because I allow it.. I know that..

Bobby gone forever, and I don't know why, his death was a shocker... my second daughter estranged and unreachable, my husband retired and home always always here.. no solitude, and no more Anah laughter in the early morning.. I'll be inthe living room soon so that she cab sut with me to watch Sponge Bob., as we have for so long.  I hate that silly cartoon, but I love her warmth beside me.  I'm going to miss that, but I won't miss SBSP.

They won't be far away, I know this.  They found a wonderful house, it is warm inviting and Erin is a great decorator.  They will be Ok, and so will I, why then does it still hurt.  I spent some time last night research "empty nest", and I read that hurting is natural.  This is a necessary step for them, to be a family together and for Joe and I to learn to live alone without them and only with each other all the time.   Necessary pain...

And then the  old garage torn down, finished yesterday ... purposely, but the landscape at which I have gazed for 32 years is different, bleak, open, a wound even upon my senses, my grandmother's cookstove sits under the sky.  They ran over the Japanese elm, and now I know it will never come back, gone like so many other things are going right now.  And me, tearing up my back, trying to find a tarp when the rain started, and carrying my table to the shed as there was no one to help.  The physical pain makes everything worse. 

Change is eternal, can always be counted on to be happening, and  I want to adjust better and so I shall.  No tears today I say.  I will celebrate her move, her great find of a small earth contact contact home 2 miles down the road, her ability to make a home for them with love and caring, and a beautiful space, and I will look forward to a dinner invitation.  She is a great cook.  I taught her how.

I will heal in time, I always do.  I always overreact, I don't know if this will ever change.  I will do the work to try to change it.  I will begin with gratitude.

I am grateful for new empty rooms to use as I please.
I am grateful for the wonderful little house my children will live in.
I am grateful they remain close.
I am grateful for more time and less work with fewer people in the house.
I am grateful for my husband's sympathy and understanding.
I am grateful that the rain has stopped.

Make it so.... 


I'm off on a new adventure, where I have never gone before...


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