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I keep trying to write, but my anxiety levels are so high my mind is just too paralyzed to function.

Why? You might wonder. Overreaction to life situations I will answer.

A night in the ER with Anah whose last muscle spasm was seizure-like and now has her on the path of neurological exploration. All the docs are fairly certain, it's a pain/stress related reaction, but a sleep deprived EEG is scheduled next week. I worry too much.

My brother taken by ambulance to the hospital in the city with s septic bone in his hand. Surgery today. He has suffered so much. I cry a lot.

The last three mornings raccoons have dug up most of the plants I have in pots outside. I pick up the pieces and replant. Today we have an attack plan, ammonia and epsom salts to repel the bastards. I'm really angry.

The heat and drought continue. I despair of garden success. And no matter how much insect repellant I apply, the chiggers are merciless. I itch.

And reading this entry I see why I haven't written. Really now, who wants to read this litany of "oh woe is me." My overreaction disgusts me. 

But I will kick myself in the ass, pack my suitcase and leave for Colorado on Friday. I can do it, yes I can. And I will reset myself and come home renewed.

Anah's test will be negative. My brother will live or if he must he will die.

Soon, I'll breathe easy again.

Comments

( 35 comments — Leave a comment )
lifeinroseland
Jun. 11th, 2018 03:38 pm (UTC)
I recently re-read an entry of mine that was all complaints & ugh. Who wants to do that indeed? But it is what it is. You’re due for a wave of good now xoxo <3
rosegardenfae
Jun. 11th, 2018 03:45 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I'm hopeful that getting it out will help.
scrollwriter
Jun. 11th, 2018 03:45 pm (UTC)
Hope in a broken world
Take it one day at a time and pray as hard as you can. .It's a difficult time to endure
rosegardenfae
Jun. 11th, 2018 03:49 pm (UTC)
RE: Hope in a broken world
Thanks, good advice, I think I'm tired which makes things seem worse.
amethyst_witch
Jun. 11th, 2018 04:00 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

I for one am "happy" to read even when it's not all sunshines and roses coming out yer butt, because I'd rather my friends get this shit OUT than keep it all in and let it fester. You're not bothering anyone by having emotions; we love you, girl.

<3

rosegardenfae
Jun. 11th, 2018 04:01 pm (UTC)
Oh lady, you are always sooo good to me. Can I adopt you? <3<3<3
(no subject) - amethyst_witch - Jun. 11th, 2018 04:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rosegardenfae - Jun. 11th, 2018 04:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - amethyst_witch - Jun. 11th, 2018 04:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rosegardenfae - Jun. 11th, 2018 04:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - amethyst_witch - Jun. 11th, 2018 04:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
justapostcard
Jun. 11th, 2018 04:45 pm (UTC)
i love these kind of entries. the real stuff and i agree with another commenter that’s it so good to get it out. my best friend and i do this with each other — writing or reciting a list called “...and i have bats in my attic!” because once she went on a serious rant about all that was wrong that ended with “and i have BATS in my attic!” and we both broke up laughing.
rosegardenfae
Jun. 11th, 2018 09:09 pm (UTC)
Good that I forced myself to write, it feels easier now that it's out of me.

Oh, that's a wonderful story. Makes me laugh too. BATS IN THE ATTIC. I'll remember it forever! :-)
spikesgirl58
Jun. 11th, 2018 04:47 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I hope all goes well this week for you.
rosegardenfae
Jun. 11th, 2018 09:10 pm (UTC)
Thanks. This too shall pass.
rosebrain
Jun. 11th, 2018 05:57 pm (UTC)
hope it's ok my friend on lj justapostcard sent me your link because it reminded her of our entries at times
when I have a lot going on is often when I want to write
thank you for sharing your humane side .. it makes you very approachable
rosegardenfae
Jun. 11th, 2018 08:28 pm (UTC)
Oh more than ok, her comment about you guys really gave me a boost. I feel better having written. Would like to add you to my friends list, ok?
mallorys_camera
Jun. 11th, 2018 08:15 pm (UTC)
Chiggers are the worst!!!

I am sorry to hear about Anah, and I would be sleepless with anxiety, too.

I know you'll have a great time in Colorado! And guess what's legal there? :-)
rosegardenfae
Jun. 11th, 2018 09:22 pm (UTC)
YES! I should be able to relax completely. Been scoping out the best pot shops already.

njlorelei
Jun. 11th, 2018 09:06 pm (UTC)
These are legit things to be worried, angry, upset about. Sometimes life really kicks us when we’re down and there is nothing we can do about it. Hopefully your trip will at least give you a little boost and some well deserved happiness. Will Anah be able to go on the trip? I can’t remember if she was going or not.
rosegardenfae
Jun. 11th, 2018 09:13 pm (UTC)
Yes she is going. In fact, her doc recommended it. Once I'm out of the driveway, I start to relax, just got to keep my sh*t together long enough to get packed.
msdazy03
Jun. 12th, 2018 01:13 am (UTC)
We all need to vent sometimes...no worries. Hugs to you my friend!
veganhothead
Jun. 12th, 2018 03:17 am (UTC)
Hey, if you can't vent to your friends then what are we for? I've bitched about matters far more trivial.
rosegardenfae
Jun. 12th, 2018 01:52 pm (UTC)
TY, it is good to have friends.
howlin_wolf_66
Jun. 12th, 2018 09:30 am (UTC)
Best wishes to you, and your brother. *hugs*
rosegardenfae
Jun. 12th, 2018 01:51 pm (UTC)
Thanks a bunch!
olbuksings
Jun. 13th, 2018 01:49 am (UTC)
"I worry too much." No, my dear, we're grandparents and we worry just enough. And, for whatever good, I'll worry with you.

I noticed the silence and wondered if I had misunderstood the timing of your trip. So glad to see your post but so sorry about the circumstances. My thoughts are with you, your beloved granddaughter, and your brother. And your garden.

I truly hope that all things work out for the best and that you are able to enjoy your weekend and come back renewed...
rosegardenfae
Jun. 13th, 2018 02:34 pm (UTC)
Ah circumstances, feel they are crushing me.

Thanks for the good thoughts.

I've managed to start packing. Positive progress.
galestorm
Jun. 13th, 2018 08:25 am (UTC)
Wow. With all of that going on, I'd be shocked if someone didn't need to vent! So, climb as high as you are able, and vent as you wish!

...and, yeah, chiggers and raccoons are horrible, frustrating things, but maybe they occupy a needed spot in the garden of life. Or not. They could as well be really f#cking annoyances. Ah, well.
rosegardenfae
Jun. 13th, 2018 02:32 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the support. Much appreciated.
siglinde99
Jun. 15th, 2018 03:03 am (UTC)
Hugs - hopefully everything will work out just fine.
rosegardenfae
Jun. 15th, 2018 01:04 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the hugs, much neeeded.
kabuldur
Jun. 15th, 2018 11:29 am (UTC)
Aagh! I didn't know about Anah or your brother.

Glad Anah is much recovered.

About your brother: sounds like you'd better ring him directly. You won't get much out of the hospital staff.

Yes, go on your holiday anyway. You deserve a break!
rosegardenfae
Jun. 15th, 2018 12:59 pm (UTC)
I did get in touch with my brother directly and he was doing ok.

I'm tired but eager for a change of scenery, trying to pack, have to fig out warmer clothes that I had already put away. But I will persevere! And things will look a lot better from a distance.

(no subject) - kabuldur - Jun. 16th, 2018 09:55 am (UTC) - Expand
( 35 comments — Leave a comment )

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