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A Bit Desperate

This morning even though I took all of yesterday off and slept, rested, watched 3 episodes of Altered Carbon, and finished my latest sketch, I am still stressed this morning. Grrr...

My brother called  about 7 a.m yesterday.  He was crying. Pain plus  an anxiety attack during. the night had wiped him out plus being Day 3 after surgery, notorious for being the worst Nikki stepped into his room as we were talking and helped him. She called me later with reassurances and the hope that a new plan in which he goes to rehab till he gets his strength back plus some much needed occupational therapy is moving into place.

This is all so sad and the situation is complicated, at least for for me, by the memories of all the years the family has suffered from his anger, his drug abuse and the resulting isolation, as well as the knowledge that he abused every woman he ever touched. He behaved like a first  rate asshole most of the time. Now he needs us, wants our care, support and love. I am unsure how much sacrifice one need make for such a jerk. I'm torn and confused and wish I would stop thinking about it. Knowing my self well, I'm no doubt  feeling guilty for not visiting yesterday.

But I don't have the time to ponder this crap because I  am taking my granddaughter out to lunch for her 14th birthday and hosting a family get together after that.

I am grateful that the giant cookie is made and appreciate the husband for vacuuming and mixing up the cookie dough. He may not be good at offering comfort, but he's great at practical stuff. And, it was awesome to discover that I had enough candles for her to blow out. And even though I forgot the ice cream, the restaurant is close to the grocery store.


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 3rd, 2018 04:28 pm (UTC)
Oof, yeah that is hard... :s You seem like a person who is true to her heart, just keep listening to it <3
It won't steer you wrong. Is that him in the photo?

Your cookie looks incredible o_O I want...
Enjoy your granddaughter's birthday <3
Feb. 4th, 2018 12:44 am (UTC)
Yes thats my brother and I about 20 years ago. For sure you are right about listening to my heart. Nobody's all bad and everyone deserves a second chance.

We had a great party, but darn it, I cracked a molar at lunch and didn't get any cookie. Must have been good, there's none left.
Feb. 4th, 2018 03:47 pm (UTC)

Argh sorry about the tooth--hope it's getting fixed ASAP! And yes an empty plate is the best compliment xox
Feb. 3rd, 2018 07:15 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's so hard to know when to let go, but you can only do so much. Stay strong. I hope you can get rid of some of the stress and guilt.

That cookie looks so good. I hope you and your granddaughter were able to have a good lunch and a fun party. "hugs galore"
Feb. 4th, 2018 12:40 am (UTC)
Thanks, much better now. Except I cracked a molar at lunch. Was great to have my family with me for the birthday and talking to them really helped me sort my feelings out. It's hard to think clearly when you're tired.
Feb. 4th, 2018 03:36 am (UTC)
What an amazing cookie! And I think, for what it's worth, that you got your priorities just right regarding the birthday.

As for the rest, well, I could tell you stories but, suffice it to say, I completely understand when you say that it's complicated. Especially with respect to the behavior of the one now in need.

So let's just say what you already know, that you have my complete and unconditional sympathy.

As well as my fervent hope that you will remain healthy and safe and sane through this ordeal which you're now facing.

My best to you always...
Feb. 5th, 2018 12:22 pm (UTC)
The birthday was a bright spot for sure. It's not like I won't be there for my brother, but I spent yesterday in bed because of the stress so I'm going to pay attention to my needs as well as his. When I wrote the above entry I was confused as to my priorities, but talking to my girls helped me get that straight. Now I can see that I've done what I can, been kind and loving, but I do have limits. Like today when the first thing is to contact my dentist about the tooth I broke on Saturday.

I know how well you understand and I appreciate your unfailing strength and support more than I can say.
Feb. 5th, 2018 03:22 am (UTC)
Family matters are tough. When I was 25 I found out my grandfather had physically abused my nana and I was disgusted. I didn't even want to see him. Then he got cancer and all that went away.

How ever you decide to handle things, keep taking care of yourself.

Feb. 5th, 2018 12:12 pm (UTC)
I won't desert him, but I won't make myself ill trying to take care of him. That's the best I can do and I'm comfortable with it.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )



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