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October

Though I come to LJ to read every day, October appears to be bereft of posts. That, no doubt, is simply because it is October which perennially appears and drags with it numerous sad memories of tragedy and loss. No matter that all of those events were long ago, still the anniversaries carry with them an energy that brings me down and I succumb. The years when I had my costume rental business were easier, no time to think. Yet, here I am starting to climb out of the pit of sorrow and get on with life again. Back on the shelf with the V. Woolf books as they were only adding to my dolorous state of mind and Virginia's depression and madness were merging with mine to make things worse.

Picked up my weights and am working out sporadically, but can't seem to force myself outside to go for a walk in the cold and wind.

This past Wednesday was lunch with my dear old friends, but it was marked by a new bit of sadness, as one of our members is having some, let's just call them issues. She thinks she's losing her mind and while N and I are hesitant to agree, there are signs. N and I are trying our best to be helpful, and attempted to help her solve her problems at our last luncheon. We explored meds taken (certainly a cause for confusion), anxieties, physical symptoms, but all we managed to do was to upset all of us and our dear friend who ended up sleeping the afternoon away on the couch. N, being a nurse, is convinced it's the onset of dementia and it is a fact that our friend's mother went totally bonkers before her death. This growing old business is a challenge in so many ways, and watching someone you've known for more than half your life and who was so bright and creative become hesitant and confused is painful and heartbreaking.

There is beauty though, in that at long last the trees (at least those who have not dropped their leaves) are turning, and I can gaze out my windows and see the woods beyond as it offers it's bounty of color.


For the first time ever I don't have the desire to dress up for Halloween. The grandchildren are too old for trick or treating and no one has time to get together. I did put up my decorations, but only because Anah wanted me to. There's always the chance that when the day arrives I might throw something together and go to the grocery just for kicks. Writing this reminds me that I really do want to get out tonight and drive around town to see the decorations, so I'll set an intention to do just that.

Comments

olbuksings
Nov. 1st, 2017 03:54 pm (UTC)
E, I was actually lucky enough to know all four of my grandparents as well as my great grandmother on my mother's side. My dad was stationed in London and Paris, during WWII, and my mom and I lived with her parents in a small town outside of Erie until he returned home.

Because of that, I was always very close to my maternal grandmother, in somewhat the same way, I guess, as I have been with my own oldest grandchild. Besides which, my parents were always very good about Sunday visits to all the older relatives which included a number of great aunts and uncles.

My realization and my regret, as I've grown older, is that despite all of those opportunities I have so many questions that could've been answered if only I'd talked more with them.

While it's true that we grew up in that era when children were to be "seen and not heard," I was pretty reticent as a child, and later as an adult, about engaging face to face with others.

In that sense, I guess I was the "perfect child," lol, good at watching and listening but only realizing, in later years, what I might have discovered if I'd been a little braver about opening my mouth...L

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