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October - wow


"Time keeps on slipping..." and I slip with it, lately stumbling a lot and trying not to fall into the arms of depression beckoning me to just give in, give up. Feeling the effects of the med cuts in both physical and emotional ways. I was so lucky at the beginning, and then WHAM the last week sucked. Didn't help that I had a number of commitments or that my brother chose this week to have his own come apart and wanted me to help him glue himself back together.

So, I bumped my dose back up a bit, hopeful that will soon make a difference. While I sit here wrapped in misery, the green beans beg to be picked, and the succulents must either be repotted and brought in or left out to die.

Friday saw me in the park walking, exercise being a good mood elevator. Though no one could see, my mind was trapped in a panic attack and finally I was back at the car where I sat till I could drive.

Anah has been here all weekend and for her,  I can dig through my collection of masks and put on the smiley grandma one and conceal the inner turmoil. I am grateful for her presence.

My mind wanders. It's hard to write. I'm very tired, but Anah and I are making an apple pie soon and I'll do that no matter what because it's for her.



Comments

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
mallorys_camera
Oct. 1st, 2017 02:35 pm (UTC)
Sorry you're having a difficult time.

Sending you good thoughts.
rosegardenfae
Oct. 1st, 2017 04:10 pm (UTC)
Thanks, much appreciated. Fuck, one can sure get themselves into some of the most awful situations. Damn BIG PHARMA!!

Edited at 2017-10-01 04:15 pm (UTC)
egg_shell
Oct. 1st, 2017 02:47 pm (UTC)
Hoping you feel better soon.
rosegardenfae
Oct. 1st, 2017 04:12 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I just keep telling myself, it will pass as I know it will. It's good to have this space in which to "let it all hang out."
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Oct. 1st, 2017 03:32 pm (UTC)
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olbuksings
Oct. 1st, 2017 04:15 pm (UTC)
For sure, the grandkids can be a saving grace in such times and there are probably things that they can learn from them as well. It sounds, from what you've said, like some of that has already happened.

Wishing you the best, always. And Happy Apple Pie...
rosegardenfae
Oct. 1st, 2017 09:40 pm (UTC)

Getting better, uplifted by apple pie, a granddaughter's smile, and friends like you.

olbuksings
Oct. 1st, 2017 04:59 pm (UTC)
On the other hand, I've sometimes felt that total immersion in a heavy, literary classic is just the thing to affect a positive mood change. No, really. Like this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FF0VaBxb27w
rosegardenfae
Oct. 1st, 2017 09:16 pm (UTC)

Oh Heathcliffe, you do know how to make a girl's day more shiny.
Love,
Cathy



Edited at 2017-10-01 09:31 pm (UTC)
olbuksings
Oct. 5th, 2017 02:13 am (UTC)
Dang, E! It would make MY day more shiny if I'd ever looked like THAT, lol

Edited at 2017-10-05 02:15 am (UTC)
just_jenni
Oct. 1st, 2017 06:21 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts are with you. I hope that soon things will become better for you. *hugs*
rosegardenfae
Oct. 1st, 2017 09:33 pm (UTC)

Thanks, your kindness is appreciated.



Edited at 2017-10-02 01:54 pm (UTC)
chocobell1212
Oct. 1st, 2017 07:18 pm (UTC)
I know how hard it is to function when you're in the grip of depression. I'm so sorry. I'm glad someone is with you.
rosegardenfae
Oct. 1st, 2017 09:34 pm (UTC)

Thanks. I'm lucky in that way,  big family, good support.

veganhothead
Oct. 1st, 2017 07:47 pm (UTC)
Aw, depression is hell. So are anti-depressants. No one who hasn't gone through it can understand. Fortunately lots of people here do get it.

Sending you some uplifting vibes,
rosegardenfae
Oct. 1st, 2017 09:37 pm (UTC)

It kind of all sucks, between the rock and the hard place, unfortunately an uncomfortable yet too familiar place for me.


Thank goodness, this life is temporary and that there are those, like you, who understand,

veganhothead
Oct. 2nd, 2017 02:43 am (UTC)
Yeah, it's a crummy place to be.

What helps your pain?
rosegardenfae
Oct. 2nd, 2017 01:59 pm (UTC)
Interestingly enough, the withdrawal hasn't amped up my pain, but when I hurt I turn to exercise, cannabis, and the occasional Ibuprofen. I tried CBD oil but it didn't help much.
veganhothead
Oct. 2nd, 2017 06:41 pm (UTC)
Yoga and cannabis are a big help for me too. I find sativas are great for my mood.
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )

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