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More letting go

Last night the husband was an absolute ass. He didn't have his teeth in and I couldn't understand him and apparently I came across as sounding hateful. Even as I tried to explain he clammed up and left the room and then our daughter says I was hateful when I was just trying to figure out the gist of it all. Once again I wonder if I can or should live the rest of my life with this man with whom I cannot communicate nor have much in common except the farm and family. When writing about it,  feels trivial so now I intend to let go of the hurt and confusion. I wish I didn't let small things bother me so much.

Today Erin and friends are moving her belongings into the garage of the new house to avoid paying another months rental on the storage unit. The painting has been delayed because the painters wife had an accident. Maybe by next week they will get you move. The stress here us palpable and damaging to my relationship with my daughter. Surely that will smooth out with time.

We did have a nice rain so perhaps the peas will emerge soon, that would bring out some smiles.

Otherwise it's been an uneventful week though I did make some progress on my knitting project. I've been trying to help my brother (no easy task) to get appointments set up with a specialist as he finally got a diagnosis of osteomyelitis in his big toe. I can handle his better moods but when he calls just to scream loudly about all that's wrong in his life, it stresses me out. He built his life by some really bad choices and I'm sorry he's not in good health, but I can't fix it. I can't even fix myself.


( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 4th, 2017 03:01 pm (UTC)
Ah! I hope you feel better soon.

I think it is very, very, very difficult to share an intimate space with someone one feels ambivalent toward -- because it means you can't every truly let your guard down and relax.

On the other hand, I'm imagining that you and I are approximately the same age and that at our age, changes can be really disruptive: We don't have that psychic elasticity anymore. Plus, I'm assuming the property is in both your names, and you love the property.

When your daughter's house is finally done, will it be just you and the husband in your house? That could be problematic for you.
Mar. 4th, 2017 07:32 pm (UTC)
We just may be near the same age, I was born in '46.

Should have left years ago and did try a couple of times. And now its really too late, kids, gkids, ggkids...we're all bound tightly and to remove myself from the mix would cause certain collapse. I would crumble under the resulting guilt, so remain suffocated by the weight of holding it up.

And, yes when she moves, we'll be together but alone. But it was that way before she came back home and easier to stay away from each other when I can move back to the secluded end of the house.

I do love the property, my gardens especially...my heart is planted deep on this hilltop. Que sera eh?
Mar. 5th, 2017 01:07 pm (UTC)
You're a few years older than I am. But not much. :-)

Do you like to read? I'm thinking you might love Alice Munro.
Mar. 5th, 2017 01:47 pm (UTC)
I'm a bit older than the hippies around here, but still living the counterculture lifestyle, even though I did eventually go to college never had a career unless I can count following the Dead and selling tie dyes.

I read incessantly, but never Alice Munro. I'm not much for short stories which may be why, but will check her out, always hungry for new authors.
Mar. 5th, 2017 01:49 pm (UTC)
Well, Munro does write short stories. But they are kind of novels compressed into short story form. :-) And she writes about women like us. Read her, and you'll see what I mean. :-)
Mar. 5th, 2017 01:51 pm (UTC)
PS: I was a quasi-Deadhead too! :-)
Mar. 4th, 2017 04:52 pm (UTC)
Is it possible you could move into your own space? Renting a room in someone's house, for instance? Or a studio apartment, something near by the farm and husband.
Mar. 4th, 2017 07:04 pm (UTC)
If only...not enough $$$$...retirement from being a homemaker doesnt pay much :-(
Mar. 4th, 2017 05:45 pm (UTC)
I'd probably go in and paint it
it is rather satisfying when you get to that part.
a collapsing pole is a marvelous thing
you can get to all sorts of points
and if you paint the walls and ceiling you don't have to
worry about the edges.

with M if his blood sugar is down
his evil twin comes out,
so I bring him food even if he thinks he's not hungry.
2 nights ago it actually stopped him from being bloated?
and oh I guess I needed to eat!

It does get hard to remember at time
why one forms a partnership
its when M's "expectations" rear from being a kid
that it can be miserable life just isn't what
he expected. can't be.
Mar. 4th, 2017 07:07 pm (UTC)
At least he does have a good side, i just waited too long to leave
Mar. 4th, 2017 07:22 pm (UTC)
Gentle ((hugs)) my friend. Thinking of you.....
Mar. 4th, 2017 07:36 pm (UTC)
Aw thanks, you're a sweetheart.
Mar. 5th, 2017 01:39 am (UTC)
I'm sorry. Living separate lives in a shared space isn't pleasant, but hopefully it will be more bearable when it is just the two of you again. Hugs!
Mar. 5th, 2017 12:55 pm (UTC)

The change in dynamics will help for sure. Our daughter is more like her father than me, unbalanced odds.

Mar. 5th, 2017 12:19 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I hope things will get better. Everyone has moments when little things get under their skin. With any luck, today will bring a better day.
Mar. 5th, 2017 12:56 pm (UTC)

Heck yeah, every day is a new opportunity and brings a different vibe to the scene. And, he's always extra nice after he screws up.

Mar. 5th, 2017 02:00 pm (UTC)
Rock on! :D
Mar. 9th, 2017 07:50 pm (UTC)
The stress of the shared space definitely isn't helping. I hope you get some nice fresh breathing room soon!
Mar. 9th, 2017 08:43 pm (UTC)
Could even be next weekend..we have fingrrs and various other body parts crossed hah.
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )



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