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No Pain, no gain?

Started this entry yesterday, but got so frustrated at trying to type on the online version of LJ on my tablet that I just gave up. I was just too tired and in pain to get up and get the laptop. The LJ app has not allowed me to access my journal for the last couple of weeks. I've sent tons of feedback, uninstalled, reinstalled.. blah blah, but so far no change.

Thus yesterday is today's subject. I performed domestic goddess duties till about noon. Said performance included concocting a black bean, tomato, and corn salsa that became my lunch, delicious.

All the houseplants have now been moved into the house, repotted some. Unfortunately while I was out there doing all that I strayed into the herb garden and pulled some weeds and by evening could barely walk without screaming pain. So it goes, I manage pretty well for a while and then do something without thinking and am sidelined again. At least it doesn't hurt when I sit so I can knit, finishing a sock for a friend's birthday.

About midway through "The Left Hand of Darkness." It seems to be going nowhere with very shallow character development. I'd put it down, but I keep thinking something will happen soon.

Creativity is at a low ebb right now, well unless knitting is creative which I never feel as if it is, all I'm doing is following a patter after all. Do have some ideas for Halloween, as we are going to a party and I think I'll read Tarot there so I need a nice little table and booth to sit in.

The appraisal on Erin's house came through yesterday and all is good on that front. Saturday is the big garage sale to try to move on unneeded stuff. Closing on the 30th, then we'll all be living together again. Will be interesting to see what comes up during that time. Last time they lived here Anah was 5, now she's 13, big change. I'm sure we'll get through it, but there may be some friction. BIG hopes that Erin's cats will adjust to staying with my oldest daughter who has said she will take them in. We have a big dog plus 3 cats already and I am just not up to trying to integrate her cats into that situation. Besides I just got new furniture and carpet.

Planted spinach for winter and were blessed by a nice rain so it should sprout soon. Picked green beans for the first time off the last planting, probably need to check that today if I can hobble out there.

Feeling rather whiny, get so tired of this pain in my hips and back as there is much to be done and it's really hard some days. And, to top it off, I had a huge Panic Attack yesterday. I think I could manage better with either pain or anxiety but when I get with both, I tend to lose hope. Well enough of that whining and complaining isn't going to get me anywhere. I do think I'll try to get in some rest today at some point.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 16th, 2016 01:20 am (UTC)
Pain, anxiety, depression...they seem three peas in my pod, although I've never has an anxiety attack, I did give myself a migraine one. (One was enough, no man is worth that! I was that ah ha moment when I realized I was the one doing all the emotional work in the relationship.) It's more twinned with depression than pain. Ever since I was a little girl, I ask myself, "Okay, what's the worst thing that can happen?" My mother died when I was four, (breast cancer), so that set a high threshold. More recently, I find I avoid "adventures" that I wouldn't have given a second thought when I was in my 20's. Since my 20's nearly killed me, this feels extremely reasonably! Seriously, I'm more cautious than I want to be, it feels excessive; it's because of a feeling of vulnerability that's come with age and disability. I'm working on letting go, being more trusting without being stupid.

What's up with your back? I tried to find something in your tags, but failed. In over 15 years of doing body work, (closer to 20) I can't say I've seen all, thank god, but I've seen plenty. I have a lot of tricks in my tool bag, please use me as a resource. Send me a private message, I'll forward my phone number. It would be fun to talk.

Hope is a four letter word: always in the future. It's got a good rep, I'm not sure why. Be present in the now as much as you can. It's all we have, it's always supporting us, even in pain and heartbreak.

Here's Fran and Ledward playing just for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k6INzDr0ys&list=RD3k6INzDr0ys
Sep. 16th, 2016 01:36 pm (UTC)
I have a long history of anxiety, depression and Panic Attacks and like you a high threshold. In 1968, I was newly married and on the day I found out I was my pregnant my husband was killed in a car accident. Never been the same since. My 20's were wild, it's a wonder I survived.It was years before I had any therapy.

Time moved on and in 1992, my 2 year old granddaughter was killed in a house fire. The month after that my mother had her first heart attack and was ill all that year till she died in October. The morning after her death my husband was diagnosed with bladder cancer. So the next months were filled with hospital visits and caring for him. He did fine and is still here driving me crazy lol.

At this point I fell apart and everyone thought I needed to see a shrink. I did, and was on a multitude of "head meds" until 2008 when I had had enough. I first tapered off the antidepressants. Then I came off the Xanax. During that process while trying to switch to Valium which has a longer half life, I miscalculated the dosage and vomited for days. I ended up with bulging discs from my neck to my sacrum. The pain was manageable for a time until it wasn't. A couple of years ago my sacroilac joint went out and since then the pain can become unbearable.I worked with massage therapists and chiropractics for a while, but that didn't help. My daughters (3 are nurses) forced (I am very resistant to allopathic medicine) me to see an Orthopedic specialist. After x-rays and MRI, I was diagnosed with idiopathic scoliosis and spondylolisthesis. Of course, they offered me narcotics, but I refused. I continue to exercise and practice yoga as I have for years. But, many days I am forced to sit much more than I would like as I have always been active and live on a farm where we have big gardens. So, now you know the story of the back and a lot more too. The pain and inactivity lead back to being depressed and anxious. I did manage that trip to Colorado recently and am trying very hard to get back into living as I once did, and it seems you are as well. But, mostly, I stay at home and have very little social interaction except for my family which can sometimes be a bit much as I have four daughters, 8 grandchildren, and 2 great grands.

Any advice or info on the back pain certainly would be appreciated. I suspect it is emotional in some aspects. Life has many times been unkind and I have not always made the best choices.

Mindfulness is good, I do work with that. I also meditate though not as much as I once did. I don't like this growing old business at all :).

Thanks for the music, very enjoyable, and the compassion means a lot. I'll message you.

Sep. 21st, 2016 01:48 am (UTC)
I love most gender-based sci-fi but I could not get through Left Hand of Darkness. I think I read a few chapters and gave up.
Sep. 21st, 2016 03:41 pm (UTC)
I finished it finally, but really it sucked for the most part.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )



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