Why does this new beginning for my daughter and granddaughter feel like the end to me? I've been so lucky to have them close for so long. This I know. I also know the love will not end, just the personal contact. I know nothing happens without a reason and in this life experience lies a lesson. I'm pretty sure I get at least part of the lesson.
Until Thurs night I had come to a place of acceptance, a place of relative calm with a modicum of peace. Then Anah had a major come apart and poured out her feelings. She was shaking all over, speaking about being anxious at school, at being afraid, but not knowing why. No matter what I tried she continued to be hysterical with lots of Panic Attack indicators. She's got a lot to deal with right now. Just turning 13 next week is enough to send a girl over the edge without the added stressors in her life.
When I see her struggling with life so much in the same way as I did at that age, peace and acceptance fly out the window and I'm angry with her mother and this selfish choice she has made.
I keep my feelings inside and do my best to reassure Anah that all is well, that she might even like her new home. Eventually she calmed down and was able to sleep.
Most likely there will be other drama before the move actually happens. I'll be there to listen whenever I can, to reassure, to love and to absorb her anger when she needs to let go.
After all, that's my job - to be the best Mooma I can be.
I am reminded of a line from the Grateful Dead, "I wouldn't mind the hanging boys, but the waiting takes so long."
