July 18th, 2010



The storm has settled around the issues with my daughter.  Her surgery was successful and though she may be left with some numbness in her cheek, she is going to be ok.  Perhaps when she experiences the residual lack of feeling she will be renewed in her determination to have nothing more to do with the abusive bastard.

Two of my other daughters were gone on vacations over the last few days which resulted in a couple of free days for little old me.  I have knitted, read, watched movies, enjoyed myself for the most part.  I say for the most part because today I experienced the mother of all anxiety attacks.  Youngest daughter and granddaughter traveling with partner are headed back to Missouri today and I tried to reach her by phone and got no answer via txt or by calling.  Whoosh I am transported to a screaming weeping piece of flesh in a heartbeat.  The scenarios that flashed thru my head I shall not mention but all of them were quite ugly.  I finally reached her partner by phone and once I had established that all is well with my loved ones, I was fine.  Well, fine except for the energy expended to get that damned upset.

I weary of anxiety issues.  I exercise, eat well, meditate, do yoga, prayer, chant and work with LOA.  Yet, the anxiety shows up.  I can lay it at the feet of the stress created by the other daughter's pain and drama.  I held up well for the two weeks in which she really needed me.  Then it seems I fell apart.  I am more than pissed!  I have been medication free for a year and half now.  I know I am still healing.  I intend to be patient.

My hubs was nice and I appreciate his words.  He told me that anyone who has been thru the things I have experienced in life would no doubt have some anxiety issues.  And yeah I can see that.   I find progress in seeing that I am not beating myself up for getting anxious.  I intend to go back outside and walk around and look at the flowers and remember to love myself not matter what.