January 8th, 2007


Tangled Up in Blue

I have been feeling totally bound up within myself, closed in a tight ball from which I could not escape.  But for this moment something snapped and I feel that if I talk about what has got me into this condition I will feel better.  So talk I shall.

My ex sister in law..Wanda -  ex for almost 30 yrs  - now is visiting her parents who live in the same town as I do.  she has lived in Texas for nearly 25 years.  She and I have remained friends during those many years since she divorced my brother.  Friend in the sense that she remains part of my family, aunt to my children and also has usually only visited once a year or so.  I could maintain that relationship.

Wanda is paranoid schizophrenic and although medicated often loses touch with generally accepted reality.  She talks a great deal as she is prescribed Adderall (an amphetamine) for her myriad psychologcial challenges.  I, am still realizing the effects of my withdrawal from anti-depressants and being overstimulated exhausts me and exacerabates my own stuff.

She wants to spend time with me, and I have been trying very hard to give her the time she wants, but am finding this to be difficult as I really NEED solitude for my own recovery and peace of mind.

Wanda would like to move back here to be near her aging parents and her son whose is having some challenges of his own.  I, am like totally freaked out as I don't want my solitude to be interrupted as it has been for the two weeks she has been here already.  

Guilt my long time companion keeps nudging me and telling me that I'm not very charitable.  I do tell myself that I must take care of ME :)  I am having some great difficulties in getting through this one.  I spent yesterday in bed nearly all day, and half of this day has been spent all tied up in knots.

now I am energized to return to working on my quilt.  I find that I have only 3 more blocks to make.  I have completed a couple since I last wrote.  Then I can set it together :)

I am grateful for a place talk openly.
I am grateful for Bob Dylan's poetry

So now I'm goin' back again,
I got to get to her somehow.
All the people we used to know
They're an illusion to me now.
Some are mathematicians
Some are carpenter's wives.
Don't know how it all got started,
I don't know what they're doin' with their lives.
But me, I'm still on the road
Headin' for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just saw it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue.

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