October 22nd, 2006

moon

Viscious Circles

This morning I identified one of my most prevelent "viscious circles".  Anah my three year old active, precocious granddaughter is in the charge of my husand and I.

I have been irritated by Anah running around and asking me something every five minutes.

To the irritation I add guilt for not being "a good mooma/grandma"

I vent to my husband.  I say, "I think I will be too old to do the things I want by the time I am finished raising children."

Husband replies, "Raising children is the MOST important thing you can do.  After all look at the good job you have already done."

I believe he is trying to make me feel better about the situation.. Only after 30 years do I have a glimmer of what he really might mean LOL

And, again I am frustrated by the totality  of energy it takes to help raise my daughter's daughter.  And again I am angry with myself for not being able to handle it with a smile on my face.  And again, I reason that I can handle it if I try harder.. to hell with the smile on the face.  It just can't be there ALL the time. NOTHING is eternal.

I started making a bracelet last night.  I WANT to work on it now... and yet I consider that when the last children of mine move out... I may lose the mind like I did during another "empty nest" time.  

Viscious circle:  irritation, guilt, self abuse.. loss of esteem... 

Enought mind meandering for now... Quick draw :)  The Magician.. way cool.. I think I'll go make my best attempt to work on that necklace I started yesterday....

OH oh.. it has gotten awfully quiet in the next room... better go check on the girl :)


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    confused confused