September 25th, 2006


OK Universe

OK Universe, it's not even October yet and now two people I know and care about are lying in hospitals fighting for their lives.

October has been a terrible month in my life, so full of death.   Many years ago my young husband was killed in October, later on my mother and father both chose that month to move on, my two dearest friends both bade goodbye to their mothers in October.  So not only does it contain "the Day of the Dead", but departure dates of  people I know.

And, now here is Fred lying in hospital, and me not knowing the details, and what I do know sounds awfuly bad.  And, my daughter's best friend, who is only 48 is on a ventilator, and may pass quickly if they don't get her off it.  She is certainly not going to last long on this plane.  She has terminal cancer.

I don't have a problem with death, nor do I fear it for myself.  I do have such great deep feelings for those who are sitting at the bedside and watching their loved ones go through terrible struggles during this passage.  I am defintely thinking of my own mortality and once again going over what I do and do not want done to me, and realizing that if I don't get this all down on paper I might be the one on a vent, and I don't want that for sure.

My mother's voice still comes back asking me, "Why did you let them do that to me?" after she was on a ventilator for a few days after her first heart attack.. My only answer was to say that she had not expressed her wishes on this matter.  So this is real heads up to get it all down on paper.  Everyone should do this so that no one has to make those decisions.

My youngest daughter is a cardiac care nurse, so I know more than most about how the heart works, and the implication of  letting a machine breathe for you.  And, I know that once you get into hospital, you are in their hands and they will do some really crummy stuff to try to save people that should simply be left to pass over.  

The sun is just coming up and it looks like it's going to be a beautiful fall day.  I pray for ease and peace for these two people, Fred and Waunita.  May the universe grant them solace and if they can't get well and come back and be themselves again, may it grant them smooth passage.