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Rain - Depression

Rain, sweet rain, we got a nice amount last night. Tracy came home with Erin to help her get her shrubs and roses planted because they had upped the chances to 100%. Lately they've been putting rain the forecast and then withdrawing it, just a tease those weather people. I washed the car which must have been the right magic trick since the rain came. The plants are rejoicing, the seeds are wet with sky water. As I have no doubt said before you can water with the sprinkler endlessly but the plants really need/want the water from the sky.

And, Natty loves to lie in the rain.

Good news on daughter's tests, all but one were negative. They is still concern about her iron levels and GERD. Now she's on iron pills (I hope that they don't make her sick like they do me) and a stronger PPI. I really did not like even being in the doctor's office, but she needed me there. So much of modern medicine is based on $$ and less on compassion. It's a fishing expedition filled with test after test till they find something that fits into their diagnostic box. Though I was unhappy on the inside I put a smile on my face and behaved myself.

My brother's surgery, as I suspected it might, has turned into an ongoing nightmare. He has clashed with the doctor (who is admittedly a jerk) and he is an emotional wreck. Since he's not getting along with his doctor, he has no pain meds other NSAIDs and can't take Ibuprofen because he only has one kidney. He calls me everyday and I do my best to help him focus on something other than what's wrong. I'm really great with other people, but not so good at applying my advice to my own life. Another appointment looms tomorrow. Hope is that the doctor will not "fire" him as his patient, that he will at least talk to him. I am not going. This is not my circus and definitely not my monkey. Still he calls me every day to complain about his pain or to scream about the doctor. There were two days in there when I pissed him off by telling him I just wasn't up to listening to another tirade. He can be quite a jerk as well.

While I could be rejoicing at a lovely rainy day with nothing to do, I've instead been moping around feeling depressed, rejected, lonely blah blah... some days just too tired to do the "work" it takes to make me feel better. Read on FB (I am now thinking checking it even once a day is too much)...that a long time online friend's husband attempted suicide. PTSD. Nasty stuff. Years ago a shrink said that's what's wrong with my head. This guy is about my age. I think about offing myself, not a new thought, a very old one really. Reading about him scared me cause sometimes in the deep of night, past the midnight hour, I get those thoughts. The I'm a piece of shit, I wanna die thoughts. But do I want to hurt the people who love me by even trying it? NO NO NO.

Mopping the kitchen floor helped my mood and writing about it also makes me feel better. So, now the Russians know I'm crazy? Surely they already knew.

Going to find something else to do for a while, knit?

Busy Weekend

Of course, the play was the big thing for the weekend. Several of us went out to eat before we went to the school and that was fun, though as is usual in the small town near where I live the food was highly unspectacular.

Saturday found us at the local community college where Tai, grandson age 10 was competing in a karate competition. He garnered a couple of ribbons.

I was already worn out from trying to help my brother through his post op pain and anxiety. He called no less than three times every day, mostly to scream at the top of his lungs, damning the doctor, the pain, the inconvenience. Finally I reached my limit and as he started in on his condemnation of all things, I said, "If you have called to damn the doctor, I simply don't have the energy to listen. And, he hung up on me. This gained me two days of telephone silence until last night when he called and quite meekly apologized for his behavior. He has an appointment tonight at 6 so am hoping they will give him something for the pain and also hoping that he doesn't get into an altercation with the doctor, who I must say is pretty much a jerk on any given day.

By yesterday we were all tired and laid around doing nothing much. Finally the form arrived for Erin's counter top for the island and they poured it on Friday. Her kitchen was unusable and so she came down here and cooked. We had a lovely breakfast, asparagus frittata for the adults and the kids wanted biscuits and gravy. I made real biscuits for the first time in ages and amazingly enough they turned out not too bad.

Joe and I attended the visitation for an old friend's mother on Sunday afternoon. Saw a lot of people from the way back and felt pretty good about holding up a whole lot better than many of them. Was rather amazed at the casket. It was bright red and in the lining of the top was an applique of the St. Louis Cardinals. She must have been a big fan. An old schoolmate reeled off a list of other old women who had recently passed and been buried in the same casket. Now I wonder if these are available for other teams? At least it wasn't terribly depressing as she had lived a long, productive life and had been suffering for some time.

Got in some outside work yesterday, started on the area around the birdbath as the alliums are about to bloom and I'd like to be able to see them instead of the weeds. Though I did vow to rest today, it's really lovely outside and I'd like to get out there and dig up a whole bunch of day lilies that are taking over the bed, and Erin can use them to line her driveway.

Joe planted some more heirloom tomatoes, Cherokee Purple, Mr. Stripey and today is going in search of some more. Also still need to put in peppers, squash and a couple of eggplants. The red lettuce has sprouted, but the Bibb has not come up, so I'm thinking that the seed may be too old. Rain would sure be nice.

This morning enjoying watching the Goldfinches who have now turned gold and are all over the feeder.

She was handily the star of the show outshining Annie and the rest of the cast and I'm not just saying that because I'm her Mooma. She has a real talent for the stage, an excellent voice that carries well and great body language and facial expression as well. I couldn't have been more proud of her. Even when someone else missed a cue she could improv like a pro.

And, oh my did she look beautiful in makeup. She most often dresses like a boy, never wears makeup and wears clothes that are loose and don't define her gorgeous figure. This is good, I think, for the moment as she's only 14. But, when she was dressed up as Miss Hannigan, in stage makeup and body hugging dress, she looked about 20 and was such a knock out.

I missed the second performance because I had gone to my grandson's karate match earlier that day and sat in a hard seat which made my back hurt and was very tired from some earlier family drama. Had planned to be there in spite of the pain, but on of the other daughters made a snide comment about me going twice to see Anah and not making it some of the other grandchildren's functions at all. She was especially, of course, uptight about her own daughter. What can I say? I don't drive at night and it takes an hour to get to where they live and if I don't have a ride I don't go. But, rather than make a touchy situation even worse, I opted out of Saturday's performance. Anah didn't mind. She had a blast and there was even an after play party, so it's all good.

I hope that she continues next year in high school drama class as she has quite a flair for performance art. Heck, she's just awesome all the way around, so much talent and a brilliant mind as well. And, I'll even admit she's my favorite. After all, she lived with us till she was 5, I cut the cord when she was born and we have a special bond.

What's Blooming Today?

Bugle weed is everywhere.

Candy tuft

Sweet potato slips doing well

Blue eyed susans, a Missouri wildflower carpets the herb garden

Taking a day off as I was ill last night and am just really tired.

Did move a few stray coral bells to a sunnier location and dug up some prairie coneflower that had reseeded into the yard.

Have poison ivy on half my face so I resemble a zombie or maybe a leper. Staying away from all spaces where I know that monstrous plant pest resides.

The Return of the Light



Light at 6 a.m. this morning a pleasant start to the day.
Just back from a walkabout on the farm
Enjoyed the beauty surrounding me
Tickled by the soft beginnings of a lawn at the new house
Inspired by the miracles
Sprouting seeds opening
Peas nodded their heads in blessing
Onions saluted my passing
As the birds sang their lullabies
I wandered back home
Loving
all
feeling
Light

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Well crap

I screwed up and lost the post I wrote, do not have the energy to rewrite. My brother's surgery was successful and he is resting at home today.

It's Not Christmas


...but the Christmas cactus is blooming again. Maybe it's just confused. She's rather old, birthed from a start given me by the husband's grandmother. Odd, but then, it's been a odd year from Mother Nature.

The spinach that we planted last September is at last going to seed. I picked a couple of gallons this morning and pulled up a number of plants. There are a few that were planted later so we will have some to add to salads for a while yet. There are five gallons of spinach in the freezer. I'm thinking spinach strawberry salad with glazed pecans and if I wasn't so so tired a balsamic reduction would be nice.

I am, however, tired. I've been supporting my brother as he moves closer to having half of one of his big toes amputated. Infection in the bone. On Monday I'll take him to the hospital and hopefully this intervention will take care of the infection and he'll still be able to walk. He is my only sibling, 5 years younger, and very needy. Lost his wife to cancer just a few years ago and kind of just fell apart.

On the same day my oldest daughter is having a stress test because she has been having chest pains. I really don't think there's any wrong with her heart nor does her sister who worked in cardiology for years, but she will feel better knowing all is well. She just had a yearly physical and a number of other issues surfaced, could be serious or not. More tests ahead.

The trees are bursting with blooms, red buds, apples, pears and the cherries.


The weather this week has been truly enjoyable and I have taken advantage of it working in the yard and gardens every day. No truer joy do I know than being with Nature. My back has felt great and I am getting to clean up areas that I haven't touched in a couple of years. Thank you Universe, I do appreciate your gifts.

Good Report from Eye Doc


Been to the optometrist twice recently. First time was for the visual field test. I seem to be the only person who thinks it fun to do the test. I always sit down and say, "Oh fun", and then the tech tells me, no one says that.

They have a new machine, much smaller and much quieter, but less of a video game type experience. But you still get the flashing lights and the button to punch when you see one. I will admit to getting a little anxious if it seems like it's been a really long time since a light has flashed.

Then today was the exam to see if I needed a new prescription for glasses. Nope didn't, vision has changed little over the last three years. Yay me.. alhamdullilah,ty you Jesus, etc. Some years ago I gained a glaucoma diagnosis and today's pressures were the lowest they have ever been. Thus am feeling good about the whole vision thing remaining stable.

Even more good luck, he didn't dilate my eyes so I can go outside and stumble around and see if there's something I want to do or just sit in the sun.

I made the reservations for the hotel when we go to see Ziggy Marley. The show is held in a place called "Big Top Chataqua" and is actually a huge circus type tent located on the shores of Lake Superior. None of us (me, Anah, Erin) have been to that part of the country so it's exciting in many ways. Erin is going to drive and we'll go as far as Des Moine, IA on the first night and finish up in Bayfield, WI the morning of the concert.

What an amazingly exciting day it's been, good things all around and the sun is shining, I love that!

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